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Swift to leave in january

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May 25, 2005
The Netherlands
After talks with Colin Todd, John Swift has handed in a transfer request. Here's the transcript of the meeting between the two:

JS "Alright boss, I'd like to know where I stand"

CT "Erm, you are?"

JS "I'm a right back for the youth team and reserves"

CT "Oh right of course. Don't worry, you've got a massive future ahead of you here"

JS "But you seem to be giving anyone else but me a chance at right back. I mean Holloway seems to get picked no matter what, then there's Edgehill"

CT "Aah, you see the Holloway thing is saving money for the club."

JS "Eh?"

CT "Well his contract is up at the end of the season when he'll be released, but in the meantime we are paying him a lot of money so I can't have him sitting aound earning money for nothing"

JS "But he's crap"

CT "That's the whole point. He's fekkin useless. Every costly mistake he get's fined. Every booking and sending off. We're making a fortune. The only times he's been dropped is because he had to sell his car then his house just to cover the fines."

JS "But you've got Edgehill and Crooks. Am I ever going to get a chance?"

CT "Don't panic. Edgehill is going to be your understudy next season, I just want you to get as much experience as possible in the youth team till then. Crooksy is only an emergency backup right back."

JS "But you even played Lewis at right back instead of me."

CT "Now that's a part of a far bigger plan. You see Lewis is the best left back we have at the club, he just needs game time. So I'm playing him at right back, left wing, central midfield, up front. He just needs game time. Next year he'll be first choice left back. But for this season I have to play Taylor. You see Sven will be leaving England in the summer, McLaren will take over. So the Boro post will be free. I'm trying to keep the fans and board sweet by playing Taylor for them. I want that job."

JS "Ok, so I'm definately getting a chance next season?"

CT "You're going to be huge. You have the potential and with a good run in the team you could be very good. Besides, with the massive asian community in Bradford having you in the team could open up a whole new fan base. Inderjeet my boy you are going to be a star."

JS "Inderjeet? My name's Jonathan Swift!"

CT "Oh right, of course. I loved Huck Finn."

JS "You're thinking of Gullivers Travels you moron. Have you no idea who I am?"

CT "Oh right, Gullivers Travels... you got connections to that bus hire place in Bristol then? Thought I recognised the name."

JS "Oh for feks sake, I'm off to talk to Jacko at Udders."

CT "Right you are. Jonathan Crisp eh. Nice lad. Does a damned tasy jalopeno pepper flavour crisps."
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